We feel stress when we are aware of demands on us that we won’t be able to meet.  The holidays are no exception.  

It’s one thing to have a lot going on, but if you know you can manage it, the pressure is not so damaging.  Yet so many of us developed habits of over-committing, with a knowledge deep down that we couldn’t possibly deliver on all of our commitments.  That creates profound, damaging stress, especially when it continues over a long period of time.  We are not only experiencing the pressure of the demands, but we are also lying to ourselves and others, and we are setting ourselves for failure and the attendant emotions of guilt, loss, disappointment, and shame. 

The answer is to cut it off at the pass – when we first feel that misalignment of “more than I can deliver,” we have to reassess.  Am I committing to the right things?  Is this the right time?  How can I reenergize or find more resources to meet these demands?

For some of us, the pandemic has relieved some of this pressure—at least as far as our calendar goes-- because many of the commitments just went away.  But our stress has increased in other ways at home.   And, sure enough, we’ve had to reevaluate and redistribute in order to meet the new demands on us.

As the holidays approach, it’s a reminder of the calendar stresses we used to feel.  Pressures are popping back up.  There are many external (and internal) expectations that we anticipate around these events.  Cultural, religious, commercial, family, and deeply personal motivations go into our planning and observance of these days.  All of those associations also affect how we feel when we plan for them.

So how do we plan for meaningful holiday celebrations, especially during a pandemic?  I have some thoughts that I want to share to help support you in this unprecedented season and for years to come.

Set an intention.  For yourself or with your immediate family, ask how you want to feel this holiday season.  Choose a word to represent that feeling that’s important to you.  For example, cozy, peace, magic, fun, relaxed, bright, etc.  If you have kids, see if you can agree on this as a “theme” for the holidays and it will help you all make decisions together in planning.

Assess your resources.  Honestly take stock of what is available right now as objectively as you can:  travel, budget, health, safety, school or work commitments, and space.  Make some notes to yourself about what’s available for this holiday season.

Name the rituals you love.  What are you very favorite rituals and traditions around this time of year?  They could be associated with a particular holiday you celebrate or just winter pastimes.  Make a list of what you really cherish.  It might be decorating the Christmas tree as a family, or tamales on Christmas Eve, a post-Thanksgiving hike, or watching Home Alone.  Be as specific as you need to be.  Allow those memories and feelings to come up.  Know that even if you aren’t doing all of them this year, they are still a part of your experience of the holidays in your past or your future. Notice which rituals you might still be able to enjoy with the resources you have.

Don’t try to do it all.  If you find your list is getting long, be strategic.  Assess your resources and your word for the season and identify the things you can do this year from your “love” list.  Remember the word you chose for your intention this season and tailor to that.  If cozy is your goal, then going to the Christmas parade might not be a good fit this time. That’s OK.  Similarly, there may be traditions that just aren’t doable or important this year. If buying gifts for everyone in the family feels out of reach, suggest a White Elephant arrangement within the family or announce a charitable donation in lieu of individual gifts. If traditional holiday cards with family photos feel impossible, consider abandoning or replacing that tradition with an email, e-card, or social media post. Your memories and you future adventures still belong to you.  You’re designing the best version of the celebration for you for right now.

Engage the senses.  Many of us associate a particular smell, taste, food, or feeling with this season.  It just doesn’t feel like the holidays without it.  Perhaps your mom always burns a Yankee candle at her house when you visit.  Maybe you can’t visit her this year, but you can order the same candle and schedule a FaceTime with her.  Light the candle, use your holiday mug, wear your favorite sweater, snuggle with a blanket, cook a family recipe, watch a favorite movie, get outside for a hike in the winter air.  Use all of your senses to help it feel familiar, safe, and comforting even when you can’t recreate the full scene. 

Create a new tradition.  Maybe this is the year you try something new and fun.  For my family and some of yours, Halloween this year means costumes and s’mores around a fire instead of trick-or-treating.  Instead of Black Friday shopping sprees you might try a family hike in the spirit of #optoutside or a KonMari capsule wardrobe challenge at home.  Virtual trivia with your extended family.  A scavenger hunt in the neighborhood.  Maybe a Christmas morning breakfast or pajama movie marathon replaces trips in the car to visit with extended family.  A new spin on Thanksgiving recipes with Cajun turkey, spicy corn pudding, cranberry margaritas, and chorizo stuffing.  Or going all-out on lights this year if you’ll be home.  Consider adding a new tradition that adds to the intention you set for the season in your household.

Get ahead of the guilt.  Skilled coaches and therapists teach that we can use our thoughts to direct our feelings.  Changes are hard.  Holidays are triggering. Family conversations can be tense.  The toll of the pandemic is undeniable.  Understand that you are likely to feel some sadness, anxiety, guilt, or frustration in choosing to do things differently this year.  Anticipate that feeling and the hard moments that might bring on those emotions.  Use positive, truthful self-talk to help redirect your thoughts and adjust your feelings.  If this feels awkward, call on a coach or therapist to help encourage you. Write to yourself in your journal or prepare a pep talk to help guide you to how you want to feel.  For example, I want to feel assured, compassionate, and flexible this year.  What thoughts do I need to think in order to feel that way?  Tell yourself:  We had to make changes this year, and I chose what was most important for our family.  Other people might not agree but I made the best decision for myself with the information I have.  I did a great job and I have planned for the best possible celebration.  Remember, you are not responsible for other people’s actions, feelings, and reactions.  Only your own. If you feel overwhelmed or overly anxious, you should always call on a therapist to help.

By focusing on your intention, and the thoughts in your head, you can plan for meaningful celebrations regardless of the circumstances.  You’re also practicing critical skills of flexibility, self-compassion, and boundary-setting by doing what’s best for you.  Please reach out anytime if I can support you in the process.  I’m cheering for you!