Gifting is not my love language.

I find it more stressful than rewarding, and I rarely can get it all done at the right time. (If anything I’d rather give a spontaneous gift than one that’s “due” on a certain date!)

Over the years, I’ve found ways to make peace with this side of myself. Instead of feeling guilty or beating myself up for being a bad friend, daughter, mom, neighbor, employer.

How can I simplify this process so I still feel good about the gifts I give, without pushing myself past the limit of what I can do?

Rather abruptly I slashed the list of people to whom I give gifts. And I forgave myself for it. Today, the list is very short. For traditional, wrapped holiday gifts, I only buy for my husband (from a pre-selected list he provides), my kids, and my niece and nephew. Occasionally for my parents if we have a get-together planned. That’s it.

What about everyone else?

For teachers, I contribute to group gifts at the kids’ school by giving cash generously via Venmo to the PTA mom who organizes. I let go of any guilt knowing the teachers will enjoy a much larger contribution instead of lots of little things.

For our employees and workers in our household, including our nanny, house cleaners, and assistant, I also give cash via Venmo with a note expressing our appreciation. It’s simple and they can do anything they want with that money. I let go of any guilt knowing we have honored the time they give us (so we can work and earn money) with our money in return. It’s all a flow of money, time, and gratitude all around — love in many forms.

For my work team at the office, we make a charitable gift as a group. For many years, we would adopt a family with 5 children and each of us purchase clothing to donate for one of the children. We’d gather up all the goodies and drop them off as a donation in lieu of gifts for each other. In other years, even simpler, we chose a charity and simple gave money as a team.

For the adults in our family (on my husband’s side), we agreed we were not going to buy gifts for each other — just the kids. I let got of any guilt knowing we are all saving time and money and reducing the pressure on the annual Christmas Eve gathering.

For my friends, we agree to get together for holiday cocktails and enjoy the gift of time together. I let go of any guilt knowing that’s all we really want anyway. A festive drink or three, laughter, and tears reflecting on the year.

For neighbors, we might drop off some cookies if we’re in the mood to bake. But otherwise I just give them a friendly wave and wish them well. We’re happy with our privacy and I don’t want them to feel indebted to me. Years ago I remember giving my neighbors fancy homemade cookies I spent hours baking and packaging in the kitchen of my old house, thinking it was a nice thing to do. Two days later, we got a bunch of (unwanted) baked goods right back from them. I realized I had created an expectation for them. And I never did it again.

You’ll see I swapped in simple replacements for traditional gifts that still serve a purpose to show appreciation and bring us together at the holidays. And more importantly, there is consistency for me. So I know exactly what I will do (and how much) in advance. I can plan easily, rather than stress, and keep it simple.

Even if you your gifting list is much longer than mine, I encourage you to make it easier on yourself by deciding in advance. Maybe you always give Target gift cards and can buy them in bulk in one fell swoop. Maybe you decide on a Secret Santa arrangement in your family to reduce the numbers. Maybe you have a favorite candle, notebook, or wine and you order a case for your next round of office gifts. Or maybe you can let go of entire categories of gifts, like I have.

Every once in a while, I get a wild hair and want to make some homemade gifts, like the homemade pickle kits I made in mason jars with cucumber seeds, a wooden spoon, and dill pickle seasoning packaged together. They were super cute. I’ve learned to embrace those whims as a spontaneous gesture to surprise and delight. I give them for no reason at all. I don’t marry it to the season. I don’t make it an expectation. I just let it be fun and loving, like the holidays should be.

For those of you who love gifting, by all means, go ALL out. Give until your face hurts. Wrap extravagantly. Buy all of Oprah’s favorite things. Do what makes you happy and the love will shine through to the people who receive those masterpieces. But if that’s not how you show your love to the world, then by all means forgive yourself, keep it simple, and free up that energy to show love generously in other ways— the way you naturally do.

P.S. I stopped doing holiday cards in Covid, too. Not because of the environment, or the time, or the expense of photos. Because Covid haircuts. I’ll send you my best wishes with a funny family photo on Instagram instead!