Why it’s so hard to have fun

Having fun is really hard for lawyers.  It's not just you, and don't beat yourself up over it.  If you ask any lawyer what she likes doing, she will tell you what she's good at.  

We’re so interested in—and rewarded for—productivity, that it’s become a core part of our identity.  Billable hours and a need for control only raise the stakes in our minds.  “Wasting time” on a hobby or playful activity can sound like a nightmare to our trained lawyer brains.

And yet, most of us believe at a deep level that play is important.  We know in our hearts that life is meant to be joyful.  Even our rational brains confirm that there are health benefits associated with hobbies, laughter, vacations, and other things normal people do instead of working.

So how do we do undo this fixation on work and productivity?  How do we find what we enjoy?

We can’t flip a switch and become a thrill-seeking, life-of-the party, Renaissance woman.  Finding what we enjoy is a process and the discovery is the most valuable part of all.  When you open up just a tiny bit of space to notice what you enjoy doing, you’re honoring yourself.  You’re turning down the volume so you can start to listen again.   

Going for a walk in nature is the simplest place to start.  It's the healthiest activity any of us can do, mentally and physically.  It’s grounding and clarifying.  You could stop right there and just be a walker for a while. 

To look for more, let your mind wander while you walk.  Notice what else is interesting to you, or if you just enjoy the stillness. 

If you can't think of a "hobby" you like, then broaden the definition.  What are you curious about?  What kinds of articles or books are you drawn to reading?  What do you like to listen to?  (Incidentally, listening to vampire fiction audio books totally counts!)  Keep a loose definition and an open mind.  You're looking for threads to pull on and not an end-all, be-all complete list.  Walking, nature, audio books, all beautiful forms of play.  Maybe you notice you have a curiosity about growing microgreens or true crime podcasts or a capsule wardrobe.  Maybe a business article will spark a new interest in financial literacy!  Have you always wanted to listen to jazz or opera or get a record player?  Whatever gives you the tiniest spark, just follow it. 

If you don't feel any sparks, then test out some more activities, such as coloring, or gardening, or a houseplant to care for, making pretzels, hammering metal jewelry, with an open mind.  Notice how you feel.  I have a client who surprised me (and herself!) by signing up for live slam poetry once a week and she loves it.  "Hated it" is also a perfectly acceptable answer, but you're keeping an open mind. 

If finding play, joy, and fun in your life is among your values, then picture how that looks in your vision for a happy life.  Give yourself time to daydream or journal about what play means to you.  That's really what we are after here -- not "hobbies" in a strict sense.  Just play.  It might show up as friendship and community activities, and so it's good to imagine what those would be as the Covid situation gets better.  We'll have something to look forward to. 

If those strategies still are leaving you at a loss, I have one more that has helped me and other women in tough seasons.  Keep a list on your phone of random things you are sure you like.  Not even activities, just things or sensations or anything small.  It helps ground you in your preferences and get back in touch with yourself, slowly building confidence that "yes I do like things" and "yes I do have a personality outside of law."  My first list was something like -- I like lemon in my water, and I like this particular shade of lipstick, and I like my fuzzy Ugg boots, and I like Seinfeld reruns.  I was sure of those things.  Then eventually my list got bigger. 

Many of my clients enjoy the books The Artist's Way (by Julia Cameron) and Big Magic (by Liz Gilbert) to help reconnect with creativity and play.  Both books are centered on the power of writing and reclaiming our voice and inspiration. Daily journaling is a tried-and-true strategy to find our voice and experience transformation. There is a lot of power in putting pen to paper, to clear space in our heads, to ask questions, and to find answers. We get to know ourselves through consistent journaling. That may feel a little "woo" for you right now, but it’s a proven strategy, and they are great resources if you ever want to explore that path.  

Again, be assured that you are not alone in feeling the pain here.  We've been conditioned for years to do what we're good at and that hard work and building skills to serve others are all that matters.  And they do.  But if we want more joy and play in our lives, we have to give it a chance to show up.