Let your legacy breathe
My friends and clients know that I am passionate about helping you uncover your values.
When we go through that process together, I emphasize using a loose and intuitive approach to better tap into what matters most to you. We jettison the expectations of what you’re supposed to care about and the all the cultural “shoulds” we’ve inherited. Instead we focus on what is uniquely important to you right now. Your idiosyncratic values. When a piece is missing, you feel… not yourself.
Many authors, coaches, and writers whom I respect greatly write about uncovering values by planning your legacy at the end of life. It is a lofty, principled, and selfless approach that distances us from the day-to-day distractions, with the hopes of gaining perspective. I respectfully disagree with this approach, even though I’m outnumbered by some favored friends:
The venerable Stephen Covey teaches us to “begin with the end in mind” and imagines your funeral to determine what matters in your life.
In his successful “Life Planning” method (LivingForwardBook.com), entrepreneur Michael Hyatt instructs us to write our eulogy in the words of others.
Christian writer and PowerSheets creator Lara Casey asks us to consider “where do you want to be when you’re 80?” and promotes the idea that what matters is what lasts longer than you.
This method is very powerful for some people. But for me, and for most women I work with, it is a flawed approach. It reinforces the messages that got us off track in the first place.
I disagree with the notion that our legacy should be oriented externally and decades away from us. Out of reach and out of grasp, it places our legacy in the hands of others. What others might say about you at your funeral is exactly the kind of misleading, self-effacing measurement that burdens women who are already suffering under the weight of the expectations of others.
In fact, I’m committed to redirecting this focus and reorienting women to their own hearts. Who you are today, what you want today, and your values today are valid, important, and valuable.
I prefer to teach that we embrace our living legacy, right now as it is today. Let’s not postpone joy. Let’s not defer what matters to the judgment of others. Let’s not wait decades for self-understanding. Let’s start listening to our inner voice. She’s smart, she’s brave, and she’s been waiting to be heard.
So let’s ditch the funeral talk, shall we? You are alive and you get to choose where you invest your precious days. You’re not beholden to what people think about you in 10, 20, or 50 years—and you’re not even beholden to what YOU might think in 50 years. We should stop caring what other people say about us. Your voice matters. You are enough.
What matters most to YOU? What relationships are energizing to YOU? What activities feel rewarding and exciting to YOU? What does your heart tell you is important? What are you missing in your life now? What might be possible for you if you let go of what others think? What if you built your life exactly the way YOU wanted it?
I can assure you, this exercise does not lead to mapping a life of self-centered indulgence, as some might fear. Rather it gives us the space to notice and name the sources of connection, relationships, and service that will be most fulfilling and impactful in our lives. When we let the rest fall away, we can see our living legacy from a healthier, easier, truer place. Our legacy starts with us living more fully as ourselves.
Remember that your legacy is a work of art and a work in progress, just like we all are. Let it breathe. Your list of values is not your epitaph. You don’t have to frame it on the wall. Let it breathe. Your values are a compass. They will help you find your way to your own legacy, and you have permission to start living it now.